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Friday, September 18th, 2009
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i just failed a test. as in, it was open response questions and i didnt answer a single question. i put my name on it, sat there for about 15 minutes, then turned it in. i called my dad, told him what i did, and we talked.
i feel really good. i was honest. i didnt lie. i accepted the fact that i slept through class the past 2 weeks, mostly because i was sick, and failed this test.
the good news is that i have good grades in my other courses. i have more points than possible in one econ class due to all bonus and extra credit opportunities he gives, and i just turned in my other homework assignment in my other econ class. Which i think i will get about 15/20 on.
its strange. i can feel, see, hear myself literally maturing before my eyes right now. my brain is firing in so many different ways than it was before.
things people have told me, im beginning to see the actual realization of them.
i never thought i could be so happy about failing a test.
i love my life so much. a life that my parents sacrificed so much of their own time and energy for. i owe it to them to be the best version of colby that i can be.
ignorance is bliss.
that really is my life motto right now.
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Thursday, September 17th, 2009
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God. The universe is sending me some sort of sign, but i cant distinguish between patterns.
Fractal theory: nothing has ever seemed so simple and yet so complex at the same time. These two words alone, for some strange reason, helped me conquer death. I figured, if we were just a speck on a speck on a speck, than something could wipe us out at any point. Which is totally true, in the grand scheme of things i think. It is awe inspiring just how small and trivial our selves and our problems are, compared to the galaxies and stars.
It was exactly that i feared death. It was that i feared the end. Because everything that has a beginning must have an end. And what is the end except the void? Or the nothing? Well, i figure it must just restart all up again. Reincarnation? Ahhh... not exactly where i wanted to go, but who knows!
Things... have just seemed like they have cleared up for me. I realized that when i stopped letting my mind be concerned about the small things in life, like my unyielding love for stupid computer games, that the bigger picture comes so much more focused. Like spending time with my family. Like taking a walk with my mother and father is a privilege, not a chore. Like waking up to a beautiful, loving girlfriend every morning, who works her hardest to want to be with me...
All of this. Life. It breaks my heart. It splits it into two; out of shear joy. There is so much to experience in this world. And i've wasted 20 years already letting it pass me by...
BUT WAIT! I HAVENT!
RLS... The entire time i was there, i was looking ahead thinking there were greener grasses. But that place was a fucking heaven. I had the fucking WORLD handed to me on a silver platter, and i used and abused the fuck out of the system. The school did not fail me, i failed the school. My friends there... How did the even tolerate me? I was such a pompous ass... I thought i knew everything at the age of 15! Hah! What a fool... I can only laugh when i think back at some of the notions i had. Adria, cant even believe she tolerated me... I really did underestimate my boyish charm perhaps. And kirsten... When i look back, i think she was really just reaching out to a lost soul, which i totally was at that point. Which i in turn used her to fuel my own ego i suppose.
Well, one things for sure. Im a survivor. I live on my own, and im great at turtling up. But it got me through when my mom got in that car crash. I remember that exact moment i decided to micromanage so i couldnt see the whole picture. My brain blocked out the big picture of her, death, to protect myself at that moment. And then i was frozen as a child in that for how long? Still? Who knows...
Ive rambled for some time. But i must say...
I am exhausted. I am enthusiastic. I am learning fucking calculus, which i didnt think i could do. Albiet, i am spending 3+ hours a day in the tutoring room, but hey, i understand it at the end of the day.
The saddest part is my parents... This is what they wanted for me all along; for me to have my own drive and my own passion for discovery. It took a boatload of time, and a boatload of money, but its finally clicked after 23 years....
I love life. I love you.
I am so very, very, happy.
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Wednesday, August 26th, 2009
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life has been so good...
So so good. Invited to Global Hardcore Alliance (www.globalhardcorealliance.com). New mixer for my birthday... sabrina spent 1400$ on... ive been dreaming of it for years now... cant believe it!
Ahhh just excited in general. Graduate in may assuming i pass all my classes, which i should because i am actually excited about what im learning now.
Life is wonderful!
Quitting warcraft altogether has been the best decision ive made in a while. I feel so renewed and alive!
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i am a selfish, mean person.
i dont even realize i do it most the time.
right now, though, is one of those times which i can look at some of the things i did and regret it.
im back in my funk. this one seems longer than the others.
shame i always hurt the people that love me most. i dont understand why i cant be good to someone who is so good to me.
hindsight...
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Thursday, February 12th, 2009
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rahrahrah
>X
new mix is making me frustrated. whats new.
otherwiiseeee
life is okay. :]
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Tuesday, December 16th, 2008
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is it bad that i dont want to go home for christmas?
that i am not looking forward to the time there in the least bit?
i have a final in 6 hours. i should sleep.
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Friday, December 5th, 2008
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why do i always do this to myself?
every time its the same story. i build my house on sand not rocks.
you think i would have learned by now.
today was the worst day ive had in a very, very long time.
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Thursday, November 6th, 2008
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surprise surprise.
well... that seemed quick.
feels like only yesterday we started hanging out.
told her to leave her baggage at the door. sad she couldnt.
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Monday, October 20th, 2008
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is it fun? do you enjoy attacking me?
does it give you some sense of pride to keep kicking and screaming, getting everyone to feel so sorry for you. when, really, you were the source of 99% of our problems?
is it really fun for you to air our dirty laundry? you must find some sort of solace in getting everyone to feel so sorry for you; all the horrible things i did, right?
you know, i never once have told anyone our long, drawn out dramafest. i have never once told anyone about how you fucked me THREE times. i made mistakes, yes, but your deeds were far, far worse. and not once, not fucking once have i gone blabbing my mouth to anyone.
whats really worse if you try to hurt me. you intentionally go out of your way to make my day miserable. im trying to let things go, get over this horrible nightmare that passed as a relationship. some sick dependancies that i fed into over and over again; i really just want to forget your face and move on with the lesson learned.
and yet you just want to open that wound over and over again.
what the fuck.
and still, this is the only place i talk about. even after that fucking shirt, this is the only place i go to complain and release my anger. i dont go off to your friends, i dont run around with a big fucking sign telling my side of the sob story. i just try to move on and live without this fucking sickness.
so thanks. thanks for being yourself and showing your true colors over and over again. everytime this happens, i get a little bit less sad than the time before, because i know in my heart i made the right choice. i know if i let you keep hurting me ill end up doing something so stupid that it will ruin the rest of my life.
so wallow in your pity. my anger and sadness are slowing leaving.
the day that they are gone... the day ill finally be free; which you preach about all the time except never really try, thats the day that will be a true learning mark in my life.
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Wednesday, October 8th, 2008
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its been dragged out for far too long.
gotta nail this coffin shut. but shit it hurts.
im obsessed with producing now. its crazyyyy.... all these things flying around in my head. hopefully i can get em out right...
i hate trying to fall asleep without pot. its so hard...
and then thoughts start creepin through my head... not good.
goodnight. goodbye.
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Thursday, August 21st, 2008
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im tired.
school starts on monday.
i have... 2 classes. fuck!
im ready to lay down and die.
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im so tired of my mom thinking that there is some big fucking secret i have. there is no fuckin secret. ever since highschool, she says, i changed.
well no fucking shit. what the fuck do you expect when you send your child to live with a bunch of other teenagers. take them out of their home and their town and their comfort zone. take them away from whatever family was left. take them away from the feeling of being normal.
no fucking shit i changed. i felt alone before that, but that first year there. that is really when it exploded. i have felt alone since i can remember. i have felt alone, regardless of where i am or who im with. i feel so disconnected from the world and everything that i see most normal people enjoying.
i pride myself on being my own person. and im happy with who i have become. but how the fuck does she expect me to communicate with her and him on a daily basis, when i have been on my own for years. yes, maybe not financially. but i have conquered my own feelings and shoved them so far down so many times that i feel as though nothing can break me anymore. i feel as though i will never ever get cut deeper than i already have. so how am i suppose to connect with anyone, especially them, when ive already made an unconscious decision to separate parts of myself from anyone. to be completely independent and self sustained.
there is no big secret mom. there is no dark tragedy. there is no underlying problem to my life, other than the fact that i am distant and beyond the edge of the world and in my own, self absorbed, entertained mind.
the only time i feel alive anymore is behind the decks or with someone close.
and the light seems to be fading quickly.
im ready to move on. from arizona. there is so little left here for me. when i came down, on the plane for my first time, all i could see everywhere is opportunity and chances. chances to start new and make the right decisions and make something of myself. and all the while i thought i was trying hard; that i was giving a really good effort. i still think i am doing the best i can while keeping my sanity. but more and more i see doors closing and my life just passing by. i feel like i have roots tangled around my legs, and theyre stuck in mud. everytime i try to take a step, i just get dragged farther down into this pit. i need to move to a new city, and start again.
i need to graduate, and then i can do it. 2 more years. it seems like a long time, but fuck, i've been here for 3 already. i know it will pass by in a blink of an eye. i know i can do it too, i know i can be the one to really make my parents happy. they just want to see me succeed. thats all they really want; how pathetic is that? they want it more than i do.
i would be a broken mess if it wasnt for sabrina. she treats me so much better than i really deserve. shes here when i really need her; shes there. maybe i cant talk to her like i really want to, but it really isnt needed. i just need to know she cares more about me than she does about herself. thats what ive been missing. i give my all, and expect it in return. i think she understands that. there is something so much deeper to her than i first gave her credit for; there is a lot she keeps hidden.
which is smart on her part. she knows im a mess. she knows im liable to go crazy at any point. fuck, i already did it. and she still took me back. she still came when i asked and held me and made sure i made it through the night. even when i did exactly what i told her i wouldnt do. she knows how to keep herself safe.
i feel like im going to break again. im going to smoke myself into oblivion until i cant remember anything. at least then i can have a night of bliss.
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yawn
i am so fucking tired. another ridiculous weekend in the books.
done helping jared after this weekend's fiasco. ill play his parties and get paid, but beyond that he's pretty much used up all his chances.
fucked up the bumper on the fj towing the generator out to the party. just when im pulling myself out of debt.
and i have to quit my job in a week because my parents are flipping out on me.
about the only thing going well is the fact im getting ridiculous attention from promoters all over.
its nice to be recognized.
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i hate relapses.
this week has sucked so hardcore.
feel like death. finally going to doctor today after not wanting to for 2 weeks.
i spent so much fucking time in urgent care when i was younger that i hate sitting in those places now. they are awful.
saturday night is going to be fucking crazy. booked for two parties and an afterparty. i dont know why i do that to myself. im not taking double bookings anymore. its not worth it.
accounting210 is horrible. stay away from it.
i feel like things should be different but i know they cant.
cant really believe it happened twice.
looks like im back to square one.
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im tired of everyone and everything.
why can i never be happy.
im so sick of struggling against and with myself.
im so sick of people not giving a shit.
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its 5am
and i cant fall asleep. im completely obsessed.
people say that they dont like cojami. that they miss colby.
i dont want to be defined by sitting around the couch joking. i want to make a name for myself. i want to get better. tucson and jareds parties arent enough for me.
if that makes me a shitty friend then fine. if that makes me a bad person then i guess i am.
all day, at work and school and laying in bed and everything, i have beat in my head. and i put together tracks. i take lyrics from as many different types of songs as i can think of and see if the will work over 180 bpm.
i am consumed by it.
the only time i am more happy than behind the decks is when im with her.
only one big problem with all this: i fucking suck. i just cant seem to get it right. i dont know if im trying too hard, not just relaxing like i always do or what. its like im striving for perfection and my hand is always just out of reach of it. and its like this is everything i fucking do. no matter how hard i try, no matter how much time, i cant seem to get it perfect no matter how bad i want it.
just this time is getting to the point of unhealthy. im going to end up killing myself.
god its incredibly lonely at 5am...
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omfg its back in me again.
i just threw up. i need to go to bed.
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ggahhhhh
life is too fucking crazy
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Tuesday, April 29th, 2008
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great. just fucking great.
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Tuesday, April 22nd, 2008
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god the pain just never fades does it.
i feel like the term "beating a dead horse" is a gross understatement at this point.
there are times i just want to sit in the corner and die. today is one of those days.
i just dont know how to stop from letting her get to me. i just dont know.
im self destructing again. goddamn it.
all i had to do was finish this semester strong. and i didnt.
i really shouldnt start making excuses, but i feel like i was unable to do anything on so many days.
i feel like i was handicapped the past 4 months.
sigh. i have got to stop thinking about her.
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